~ Seeing. Not Looking ~

This is a huge step backwards I guess.
I said I slowly start to understand the concept of sentiment, caring and all that stuff.
I had two years to learn, two years with people that showed me how to act like a human being. And I've adapted their behaviour.
I had no reason to run anymore, there was always someone to grab my hand and in response I gave everything my misguided heart was capable of.
I tried so hard, did my best, lost inhibitions.. slowly... and was proud.
But when you're (involuntary) away for a few months people you hold dear and love seem to forget you.
Wasted years, wasted gain. The Everything I gave wasn't enough.
And it probably never will.

And there... at the familiar edge, on the verge of doing something stupid, when all you do is falling and reaching for something only you're able to see... there's no one anymore to capture you, no encouraging smile.
So I do what I've always done best.
Running, falling, searching for the place and time where I finally belong.

And one more time I am proven right...
... that caring is not an advantage.

I'm learning. And I understand some of these concepts more and more.
At least I try.
To be honest it's more like try and error.
But it works fine for me.

I do sentiment in a small amount myself.
I still don't keep letters, even when they're sweet and adorable, though.
But I keep ordinary items that bare some deeper meaning to me hidden away in a box.
I have to admit I forget about them after a week or so.
I know that I have hidden stuff there, but I barely remember what.
See? I got the concept of that.

I meet up with people and friends more often, too.
It's still strange and like a whole new world, but after an hour or so my social mask is kicking in and I'm even blending into "the crowd" sometimes.
It seems that my social batteries gained more capacity.
They're not full for weeks after meeting someone.

Still....
Alone is my favourite most of the time.
And no, none of my friends should be offended by that, there's no need for this.
Liking to be alone doesn't mean I don't like you.
Some emotions are still hidden to me and I think those concepts, like guilt, mercy and pity, will be a sealed book to me for a long time or even until the very end.
But that's okay.
Guilt, mercy and pity, to stay with those examples, are useless anyway (to me).

Maybe I am exactly that, maybe not.
Maybe I'm just more sensible to everything than the average ones, maybe not.
I can't tell you.
But I guess I don't have to anyway.
That's not my division.

Some may say I overreact, some may say it's just normal.
But I am annoyed by sometimes silly things.
At least I guess they're silly in your eyes, hm?

I am annoyed when people are wearing those "flip-flop" shoes/slippers.
The ones without a strap at the heel.
Seriously... you stomp like an elephant and even if you try to be silent you sound like a duck walking on wet concrete floor.

I am as well annoyed by typing. Yes, simple typing.
I annoy myself with that, though I'm typing really silently.
(I always wear headphones, listening to music when typing much.)
Most abuse their poor keyboard. And in the end that makes me highly aggressive.

Same, the aggression I mean, goes for telephone calls.
Others, not mine.
It annoys me to no end when people are talking for hours and hours every bloody day.
People tend to suddenly scream so loud, when being on the phone, that I can hear everything (despite closed doors) and even am able to hear what the person on the other side of the line talks about.

What annoyed me since I was a little child are unnecessary counterquestions.
Or unnecessary questions and statements in general.
Do I have to explain that? Nah, I don't think so~

Oh! And repeating myself over and over and over again is an annoying thing too.
Remember after one or maximally two times, please, or write it down if you are too stupid to remember.
Can't be that difficult....
I do that too.
Writing things down when knowing I won't remember.
Although that happens not very often and are mostly doctor's appointments.

Music. My addiction.
But, as usual.... , I think I'm different when it comes to music.
Most love the good sound, they never bother to see/feel/read what the song wants to tell us.
But every song does that.
Oh, well, maybe not every song... there are some nonsens pop songs out there of course..., but most of them.

They do have a text, you know.
It's not just a sound, not just instruments.
Except soundtracks and epic Trailer music of course.

Every song, except those mentioned, has a text.
And in most of these texts lies a hidden message.
It seems to me that the average people aren't capable of seeing this.
They do see the text though, but they rarely understand.

Ah~ it's like always.
You look, but you don't see.
You hear, but you never listen!

And even if I lack a HUGE amount of that one characteristic called empathy .... I indeed am capable of that.
I may not see when people are hurting on the inside, but I can feel the soul of a song.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of answers people are expecting when asking me a question.
I usually give them the right ones.
At least... I think they are the right ones.
But obviously, judging by the sometimes shocked, sometimes startled, sometimes confused and sometimes angry expression of those people, they aren't.

Pray tell... what are right answers?
Do you really want to hear a lie when asking me if I found the way to point XY easily when you clearly know I never was there before?
Or when asking me if I am fine when I'm obviously ill?

No, I don't think lying is an option...

When on stage, or just in costume, thus being in-character (whatever character that may be at that moment), I never had to hide myself.
As silly as it may sound.
When being another person I could act like I normally would.
Like myself, being myself.
Brilliant feeling.

So I was able to yell things at my companions, and on the front line always Samuel "Sam" Holloway, about them being oblivious to obvious facts.
Well, obvious to me anyway.
It must have been a hundred times.
Even more I guess. Always stating the obvious and insulting Sam for being a moron, blind and oblivious.
Looking back, my dear Samuel, you were the "Anderson" of our group. And I'm not sorry for saying that now.
However, we teamed up pretty well, didn't we?

Yet ... in normal life ... I can't do that.
There I am the one who gets yelled at, even insulted and harassed for being annoyed by idiocy and even for just sighing or rolling my eyes at something or someone.
Tedious.

Oh so many wondered and asked how it is to be like me.
Or just to be me.
However, it's hard to explain and someone that never experienced something similar propably won't understand.
There's no particular reason for every single detail, but people are always demanding particular reasons.

But..... to cite an example:
There is no explanation why I'm not affected when some family member dies. Or a close friend. Or someone else.
It's a fact, period.
I can't change that behaviour and I can't change the way my heart works.
Some even assume I don't have one anyway. But I doubt that.

I accept that most people have to cry or are otherwise affected by death, so why can't they accept my way of dealing with that?
I don't request them to *understand* it, but acceptance should at least be possible.